On Santorum’s Concession

Apparently Rick Santorum has called me to concede. I hate it for ol’ Ricky, but I’m glad that someone finally realizes I have what it takes to make the right decisions in this country. It’s ashame that I couldn’t have served a nicer and warmer state than Pennsylvania…but these are the sacrifices one must make for his country. I have prepared an agenda for my first 100 hours in office of changes I will presenting and subsequently railroading through congress. Many people have asked if I am concerned that the new Dhimmi-crat majority will pose a threat to some of my plans. I anticipate no problems, as the dhimmis currently have no plans of their own, and seem to be relatively weak-willed and easily influenced. Should my charm and doggedness fail to persuade them, I have a contingency of has-been celebrities who fancy themselves politcal pundits waiting in large room to distract and woo them whilst I sweep through the congressional process relatively unopposed.

Here are major changes coming soon:

The wall between us and Mexico will be extended to cover the entire border. Guard dogs and robots will be used to "neutralize" any fence-jumpers.
Any illegal immigrants face immediate deportation to Mexico, unless they agree to change their name to Paco and work only in approved Tex-Mex restaurants.
English as the official language of the United States of America.
Iraq: America’s 51st state. This serves 2 purposes: #1. Prove that GW never went to Iraq for the oil…but he should have. #2. Cheap oil.
CIA technology director renamed "Q."
No smoking in all public buildings.
Iran and North Korea threat nutralized by throwing water balloons and shouting "Booga booga booga!"
German candy "Rittersport" will be sold in all Wal-Marts.

That should do it for the first 100 hours. Again, I am grateful to have your vote, Pennsylvanians…you shall always be my top priority, as soon as I find where you are on the map.

Categories: News and politics

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